Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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