so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
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It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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