I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
