just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
