I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
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I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
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Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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