I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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