Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
