if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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