Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
