There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You need Xanax blowdarts
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
