mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
you had me at cake vodka
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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