he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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