He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
