Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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