I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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