I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
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