help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
