im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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