On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
