Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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