Where is the hickey?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
