You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
