so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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