i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
