why didn't you poke me back
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
