I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
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I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
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i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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