My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
