Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Enjoy the penises
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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