I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
