You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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