JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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