whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
