You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I need to calm my uterus...
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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