Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
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Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize