My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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