she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Houston, we have a blender
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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