I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. đ
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
His name isnt in my phone as âSatanâs spawnâ for no reason. #devildick
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