I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
