I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
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corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
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whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Come on in and take your pants off
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