lets start a swedish sibling band together
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
