I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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