I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
