Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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