I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
