Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
