Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
