I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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