So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Little spoons don't ask big questions
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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