Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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