Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
