If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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