My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
