Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
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please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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