i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
