What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
