I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
