Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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