are you still at the devil's house?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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