Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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