i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
