ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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